Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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