I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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