the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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