Your face is a jimmy john
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
