Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
