you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
