Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
