He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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