remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
