i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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