Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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