He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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