Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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