The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize