Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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