i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
