Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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