Umm I'm too high to move.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
