I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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