I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
