I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
