I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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