How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize