the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
