i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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