Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dicks are not precious.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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