What did we do last night that was yellow?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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