Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
