i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
