When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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