She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
