I think im going to throw up on grandma
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
