Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
