Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The Olympian is in my bed
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
