i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
