Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize