The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
