I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
