Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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