if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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