What a fucking waste of an outfit
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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