hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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