even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
