Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
