Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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