Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
