Me too!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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