You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
