Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
