Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize