I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
