i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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