I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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