He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
