so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
