She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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