thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
