he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize