I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
