insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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