All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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