i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
