If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i've created a new STD.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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